The Bariatric Goddess

So here we are at part 4 in my "What Lies Beneath" series. I've been putting this one off, because it's one of the more painful to deal with. And it's funny but the pain it causes me now is not from what was done to me, but from what I became because of it. I've decided to write a poem instead of putting it in a story form. I often times find it easier to express what I'm feeling with poetry rather than getting wrapped up in details. It is a bit long, but I hope it explains things clearly enough.

Now because I'm using poetry today, I'm asking for some poetic license. I'm using two images today. One is an angel hiding safely inside her open wings, and the other is a beautiful butterfly soaring in the sunlight. I do realize that angels do not turn into butterflies. But nevertheless, I feel as though these two images represent who I was and who I am becoming. I guess you could say the angel hiding in her wings is symbolic of a caterpillar in it's cocoon. That's what I was for many many years. A caterpillar hiding in a cocoon. And over the last few years I've been chaining into a butterfly. Now it's finally time to shed my outer shell and emerge a beautiful creature ready to fly. Here is my story of that journey.

Butterfly

Building, building
Higher, higher
Brick by brick
Circling all around
If they can’t see me
They can’t hurt me
In my magic,
Princess castle
My tender soul
Is safe and sound

Within my walls
There’s only sunlight
Joy and laughter
Peace abounds
Endless love
And hope for
Each tomorrow
No pain or darkness
Can be found

Inside my castle
I’m safe from heartache
Safe from anger
Safe from pain
No hand can touch me
Strike or
Invade me
Nor by hateful words
My heart be pained
Inside I’m safe
I’m whole
Unstained

On the outside
I grow ever older
Year by year
The changes show
With those changes
Come unwanted glances
Impure advances
That will destroy
This sweet child I know

So deep inside her castle
I hide her
Safe to be so young and free
Safe from all the shame
The torment
Safe to preserve
The purest part of me

Inside the walls of brick
My soul hides
Deep within
So they can’t see
Holding on to
Hope and dreams
Waiting
Waiting
To be set free

These invisible walls
Need reinforcing
More protection
A safe way to hide
And so the flesh
Becomes my barrier
A new defense
In which to hide

Bite by bite
I build my fortress
Pound by pound
Ever deeper I hide
Building walls
To stop the glances
Distorting
Misshaping
This beautiful child

Unseen walls
Guard my soul within
As on the outside
My flesh does hide
My weary body
From the endless
Nightmare
That my curves
And beauty
Do invite

The gentle slope
Of tender shoulder
The tempting swell
Of ample breast
The curve of hip
Call out to him
My sweet virtue
He does deface
My youth is gone
My world is shattered
And so this form
I must erase

This tempting body
I can destroy it
Distort
And stretch it
Beyond belief
To stop the eyes
The unwanted glances
To be unseen
Is my relief

Destroy the beauty
And the desire
To touch
What is not theirs
To take
For if my protector
My provider
Could soil me
So coldly
My innocence take
Then nowhere
On this earth
Can I be unguarded
Nowhere can I be
Truly Safe

My sweet young soul
Still laughs and dances
Plays and giggles
Untouched by sin
Guarding sweetly
What has endured me
My love
My hope
The me within

In her it is
Untouched
Untainted
Safe within
Invisible walls
Inside our castle
She keeps them
Safely
Quietly hiding
Never to fall

While on the outside
Diligent guard
I stand
Letting only
A few
Have a peek within
Trusting
The layers
Of my deformed body
To keep me safe
From treacherous men

These walls
These layers
They do protect me
But at the same time
I know
If I keep them
With me forever
A long, happy life
I will not know

My fortress
Has become
My prison
Keeping me from
The life I dream
Keeping a barrier
Between me
And those
Whose love
Can make
My soul complete

And so I begin
The deconstruction
Stepping out
Into the unknown
Hoping
Trusting
Loving
Living
Embracing
An adventure
That is
My own….